I’m not depressed, it is just that for my whole life I have regularly considered what it will be like to experience advanced age and ultimately death. I know that sounds morbid, but it never was, It was more like the idea of “Memento mori” espoused by Socrates. The idea that remembering that we will eventually die should motivate us to make the most of every moment we have.
Infact I almost found it enjoyable to contemplate and apply to my life. I would consider how I could live today in a way that would mean something when my life is over.
That is until now.
Over the last year it has moved from being a helpful tool to a negative spiral of unhelpful thoughts. To the degree that as I laid in bed this week somewhere between wakefulness and sleep, unable to get out of the psychological rut I had dug for myself, I had a realisation.
If “Memento Mori” is no longer serving me well, I no longer need to hold on to it.
I no longer need it to motivate action, I am already compulsively productive, My life has momentum and trajectory that I have chosen and I am living my life in harmony with my convictions. Were my life to end, aside from missing out of the wonderful years ahead and the impact on those around me, there is nothing I would regret. Besides, my faith is strong. I know where I am going.
So, this week I have consciously been retraining my mind toward joy and gratefulness. Living in the moment, not allowing myself to be caught up in the inevitable pain of the future.
The take-away from my little reflection here, is that not everything will serve you well in all seasons of life. Don’t be afraid to jettison beliefs or practices that no longer serve you well.
